Addiction to Attention
The Baltimore premiere of "Standards of Ethical Conduct" was an unique experience, and now that I've had a little time to think about it, I wanted to share some thoughts. They might surprise you.
I've never had that much attention directed towards me before. Over Friday and Saturday of the premiere, because of the press and the actual show, I had an overflowing of congratulations and support from all sorts of people from the past and present of my life. I never had a shining moment in sports, academics or work that prepared me for the mental consequences of that rush of attention. I never hit the game-winning home run or pulled off the 60 second kegstand.
Don't get me wrong, the attention I received was not significant in the big picture. Maybe 75 people contacting me at over a couple days. But that's a lot for me.
The attention is like a drug. You want more and more. The week after the premiere, as I got back to the grind of my life, I found myself uneasy, looking forward to the Denver premiere as my next fix of excitement. I constantly checked my email and webstats, waiting for the next rush of traffic.
I came away unhappy when there wasn't anything there. The emails stopped coming and my web traffic slowed. I couldn't adjust to the normal pace of life. It was strange, only days after a perhaps the most significant personal accomplishment of my life, I'm moping around. Those couple days of attention had shifted my focus from what I do that makes me happy. Making the movie wasn't about getting a bunch of attention, but rather trying to create something personal and unique.
I had the good fortune of reading an article on Tim Ferriss' blog about the philosophy of stoicism, and it made me do a bit of self-reflection. All that attention creates a momentary thrill, but it really has no longer term significance.
This experience gave me a new perspective on how easily the events around us can change us. I don't think anyone thinks, "once I succeed, I'll become an asshole". That's not saying my demeanor changed; I wasn't gallivanting around in a fur coat and snapping at people or anything. But it did change my focus, and if it had continued for a longer period, who knows how that would have affected other things. Never for a moment would I have thought that something like that would affect me, yet I can't deny that they did.
Multiply my experience by about 100,000 and you might have what an actor experiences after his first hit movie. If you don't get a moment to take a breath and reflect, I can imagine how you might lose sight of who you are and let yourself get carried away in the excitement.
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My interview on "The Signal" on National Public Radio can be heard here.
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If you're on Facebook, become a Fan of the movie.



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